"It looks like cat spit"

The theme of this week’s episode seems to be “Marcel is a douchebag.” While this concept is nothing new for anyone who’s been watching TC this season, it’s entertaining nonetheless.

The episode begins with some apartment banter: Marcel bogarts the skillet to keep his eggs warm, Ilan calls him a virgin, Michael has had some medieval looking dental work done.

Quickfire
Ted Allen of Queer Eye fame is the guest judge, and Padma informs the chefs that the Quickfire winner will no longer receive immunity in the Elimination Challenge. Cliff tells us he could give a fuck. He’s just that good.

The cheftestants draw knives to find out which color they will have to plan a dish around in a “sensory” challenge. We learn that Sam is colorblind. A tragic flaw! I knew I’d find a chink in that exquisite armor…

Betty cooks a green dish that marries the Obvious with the Excessive: a green mess with about 50 kinds of green food in something that could be loosely termed a salad. Marcel thinks brown is somehow a difficult color, and douses his dish in coffee grounds. Elia’s white poached egg looks edible. Cliff’s (also colorblind) eggplant is clearly the only purple dish possible, so whatevs. Sam does a very yellow dish that didn’t seem memorable. Because I forgot already. Ilan does a red tartar, and it kind of looks like congealed blood with red tortilla chips. Michael wins the Quickfire with orange carrot chips that are “bagable” according to Ted, and some salmon.

Elimination Challenge
Padma informs the cheftestants that this will be a conceptual challenge: the Seven Deadly Sins. The chefs will be serving the meal for Debi “Being Electrocuted” Mazar. The chefs draw knives for the sin they will be asked to render, and as the winner of the Quickfire Michael is given the option of switching his sin. He switches his “Lust” for Marcel’s “Envy.” It’s hard to know whether he is more interested in the concept of Envy or screwing Marcel. Now Marcel must cook Lust, which he thinks is a “goldmine” Michael has given away. Let the virgin jokes commence!

Marcel immediately pisses the group off by waffling on whether he would like to serve second or seventh course. He lands on sixth, or first dessert, after pissing off Sam and Betty. Ilan is also doing a dessert, and is pretty cocky, telling us that “it’s going to be a piece of cake beating Marcel.” Piece of cake, get it?! Dessert showdown!

Michael goes high-concept with envy, assuming a blue crab would envy a king crab (‘cause it’s bigger, duh), but is thwarted when the store doesn’t have crab. He transfers his unique theory of envy to fish, logically assuming that a trout would envy a salmon. Problem solved.

Sam loses his shit with Marcel at the supply store, to less dramatic effect than the teaser had anticipated. No bloodshed or broken glass. Weak. Sam is also cooking for “Wrath,” which Marcel finds ironic. It’s amazing how so many people confuse “ironic” with “obvious.” Anyway, Sam tells us he’s Sicilian, and that’s where his access to anger comes from. I guess Marcel’s never seen The Princess Bride.

The dinner prep goes along pretty predictable lines, with Ilan telling Marcel that the cherries in his dessert are libido killers and Chef Tom scratching his head at two desserts for one meal. He's mostly just cute in his little blue chef smock, taking his usual bemused tour of the courses.

Arriving at the dinner site, the group (sans Marcel) bands together, helping with each other’s service. Clearly bucking popular opinion, Marcel declares himself a team player and we see the evidence as he pours wine for Sam's course. Sam’s seviche seems to be popular but is mostly glossed over by the show's editors.

Betty’s Sloth-y slow roasted soups are served in champagne flutes, which appears to be a mistake, given that their grit is sticking to the glass in a really unappetizing way. This bums me out, because I thought Sloth would be one of the more difficult sins, and I thought slow-roasted soups was a pretty clever approach. Tom and Ted don’t care for the texture. Oh well.

Michael’s dental visit looks like a herpe, so he tries to get Sam to present it. The diners demand Michael, and he comes out to explain fish envy. The judges dig it.

Cliff’s Greed is apparently manifested in the amount of seafood present in the dish. The “amount is succulent” according to Cliff. I don’t think this means what you think it means, Cliff.

Elia’s Proud chicken is uncomplicated, Debi says. The diners toast chicken.

Marcel “snaps” at Betty, and everyone who hates Marcel (so everyone) uses this as an excuse to make him apologize before they’ll help him with his service. He then pours chocolate in the mouth of some chick from The Sopranos. Debi says Marcel’s foam "looks like cat spit" (dice que?) and that the Lust-y cherry tart appears to be made by someone who hasn’t had enough sex. Heh.

Ilan serves his Gluttonous chocolate cake with mushy funnel cake, to poor reception. He also sneaks a dig at Marcel by telling the diners that cherries drop the libido. He’s trying to be cute (and he really doesn’t have to try too hard at that), but dogging Marcel’s dish like that just makes him look like an ass. Picking on a virgin is just mean.

Judges' Table
The judges call Elia, Michael, and Sam in as the top three dishes. Michael wins in a vicodin-induced, herpe-faced landslide. The judges all love it, and the other contestants give their likeable-but-not-intimidating competitor his props.

Marcel, Betty, and Ilan are the bottom three. Ilan is immediately called out for dogging Marcel. Padma hates Marcel’s foam. Tom tells Betty that beets and red peppers do not ebony-and-ivory make.

Betty and Ilan volunteer Marcel to go home, saying his gelee had little flavor (read: we hate that virgin foam eater). Marcel wants Ilan out. Back in the kitchen, Ilan gives Marcel some valuable vocational advice ("learn how to cook"), and we see Ilan’s bitchy side, as he manages to sound superior while using the word “paprika.” Now that's a top chef.

All agree that Ilan’s funnel cake is the worst element of the entire meal. Marcel’s cherries are deemed not lustful. Betty’s flavors and textures are off. Any guesses? The judges speak in carefully edited vaguishness, and conveniently decide who should be cut just before the commercial break.

We return, and the predictably-awesome verdict is in. Clearly Ilan and Marcel are making good television, so it’s Betty’s turn to pack her knives and go. Her biggest regret? Not making it past Marcel. I guess Michael knew what he was doing by swiping Envy as the sin most closely associated with cooking.